When the Mind Wanders
by a-lady-to-me
Summary: S2 - Between Ep8 and the CS - Bates hasn't seen or heard from Anna in the two months since he's been arrested due to a mandatory processing period. When a realization hits him not long after his arrest, and his mind wanders through all the possibilities, what will he do when he finally see's Anna? Will the answer he thought he'd hoped for really be the one he wanted to hear?


A/N: Set in Series 2 between Episode 8 and the Christmas Special. This idea popped into my head a few days ago, and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. I'm not sure if the "probationary confinement" or "processing period" when you are first arrested is historically accurate, but just humor me for the sake of the story! :)

Thank you to Alexis and Jo for all your amazing help! xo

Hope you enjoy this little one shot. Please leave a review :)

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><p>John Bates couldn't keep the tears from falling as he wiped his finger gently across the image of his Anna. It was all he had of her. The only reminder that she was real. God, what had they done to deserve this? Would he ever make it back to her? To live the life they'd dreamed of for so long. They had been a hairs breadth away from all their dreams coming true, only for it to be snatched away. Vera somehow managing to reach up from the pits of hell and smite them once again.<p>

A week he'd been in this damp, frigid cell...alone. Yet, the remaining months of his probationary confinement stretched out before him like an endless tunnel with not even a shred of light at the end. No letters, no visits, no contact with anyone from the outside world. The loneliness allowed his mind to wander to places it wouldn't normally go; although, the solitude did allow him to dream of his beloved wife at his leisure. He laid on his rough cot, and imagined he was with her...in that beautiful room in the recesses of Downton's guest rooms. Secluded from the rest of the house in their own little piece of heaven. John had never loved someone the way he loved her and to bear witness to her expressing that same love for him with her body was intoxicating.

Their movements had been slow and paced, John progressed with the utmost care determined to bring her as much pleasure as possible. To show her in every way how much he adored and cherished her. He soaked up every touch of her hand, every kiss from her lips, every tear of joy as if it was the life-sustaining food of a starving man. Anna was the very embodiment of perfection...an angel walking the earth and the moment they had joined their bodies as one he was complete.

Suddenly, John's eyes shot open and the dank air crept in around him making it difficult to breath. They had been one...they had joined together as husband and wife, and that meant… That meant there was a chance, a possibility no matter how small that she was...that she could be… Oh God.

"Pregnant," he whispered to no one in particular.

Anna could be with child, and he had no way of knowing if she was until his confinement was over. John's tears came quickly then as the reality of Anna possibly having to raise their child alone washed over him. Waves of grief knocked him back against the bed. If he hung for this crime he hadn't committed she would be the widow of a murder...she and their child would be scorned. Anna would have to leave; to run away to protect their child from what he'd been accused and convicted of. Not to mention the financial burden she would face of raising their baby alone. There would be the money from his mother's house and the little bit they'd set aside, but still she would have to work in some form. It was too much to ponder, and he found himself praying that his fears were only that...it pained him to pray away a child of their own. It was something they both had talked about and wanted, but he could not imagine how it could be a blessing in such a situation as the one they faced.

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><p>The weeks crawled by at a snails pace, and John's mind was full of her...full of fear, and longing. He wished he could just lay eyes on her for a moment, but his one image of her would have to suffice. He tried to put the thought of Anna's possible pregnancy to the back of his mind, but it somehow managed to make its way to the surface every time he thought of her. If she was, had she told anyone? He felt sure she would tell Mrs. Hughes at the very least, and he prayed the woman was helping her through it. But then, he knew his Anna. He felt fairly certain if there was a baby, she would be thrilled by it. Grateful to have a piece of him to carry with her forever...even if the worst were to happen. He found his train of thought shifting abruptly. Would it really be so bad? That she would have a part of him with her always? Yes, Anna and the baby would have to leave and find somewhere where no one knew her past, and she could simply raise their child as a widow. He didn't want to leave her to live that fate, but if it did happen then at least she wouldn't be alone.<p>

He battled with himself for two entire months; weighing out the pros and cons of Anna being pregnant. He felt he was prepared for either possibility, but somewhere deep down he was petrified to learn the truth. Until one day he wondered no more. The warden had come early one morning and released him from his solitary cell, moving him into a more populated part of the prison.

His first meeting was with Mr. Murray who explained to him what would happen now that he was out of his confinement period. John tried to listen but his mind was focused on one thing and one thing only. Finally Mr. Murray paused, and prompted him.

"Do you have any questions for me, Mr. Bates?"

"When can I see my wife?" It had felt like an eternity since he'd spoken to another human being, and his voice came out low and hoarse.

Mr. Murray gave him an easy smile. "Mrs. Bates has been asking the very same thing. She will be here tomorrow, and you may exchange letters now, which should help you in the meantime until your trial."

"Yes, it will." John found a smile making it's way across his face. The thought of seeing Anna the next day brightening his spirits more than he could have ever imagined. She was his eternal sunshine, his light in the darkness, and he walked back to his cell with a spring in his step at the simple knowledge that tomorrow she would be with him. Even if only for a moment.

However, with the darkness of night came the creeping doubts that had haunted John most of his adult life. He hadn't spoken to his wife in months, what if she'd decided that this was all too much for her, and baby or not she was leaving? Or worse...what if she wanted to leave him but couldn't out of obligation to him as his wife? He needed to make it clear to her that he would not hold her to anything. If she wanted to divorce him and leave he wouldn't hold her back. His heart would always belong to her no matter what, and while he would be devastated, he would understand. His devastation would lie in the fact that he couldn't be more for her; be everything that she deserved.

The tears slipped from the corners of his eyes and drifted to his pillow. John didn't bother to wipe them away. The pain was too real, and deserved to be acknowledged. He would bear whatever she decided...no matter what. John owed her that.

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><p>The next morning John was still reeling from his thoughts of the night before, as well as his long-festering fears over whether there was a baby. The shadows that surrounded him drew away all the brightness he'd felt at the prospect of her visit, and instead left him dreading what she would say. However, even that couldn't keep his heart from longing to lay eyes on her; to see how she was faring through this disaster.<p>

John's nerves were shot by the time he was lead into the visiting room to wait for her arrival. He'd already lost his measly breakfast in the chamber pot in his cell, and still he felt his stomach rolling with petrified anticipation.

Then suddenly he heard the cell door open, he looked up, and there she was. For a moment all his anxiety fell away, and he simply took in the exquisite sight of her. She was dressed in her Sunday best, and she looked quite the picture. He could tell she'd taken extra care with her hair, and the smile she wore warmed his heart. His eyes drifted down her body, lingering for only a split second on her abdomen, where he could see no noticeable difference, and then settling back on her stunning blue eyes. That was when the fear returned with a fiery vengeance. Her eyes, which had always been so bright and full of life, were clouded with pain. Pain that he was the cause of. She had dark circles beneath them which told him that she hadn't been sleeping, and the shine she'd always possessed was faded by worry. He'd only seen his Anna look this way once, and it would remain until the end of his days one of his biggest failures that he'd caused her to look that way again.

John couldn't move, but Anna approached him her hands seeking out the comfort of his. He instinctively reached for her as well, until one of the guards grabbed him and pulled him back and another grabbed her.

"Hey!" John called upon seeing the fear in Anna's eyes as the guard pulled her roughly towards her side of the table. His instincts kicked in, "you can do whatever you want with me, but you will treat the lady with some respect." He spat the words at the guard with all the hatred he possessed. The man nodded, and gave Anna a half apology before pulling her chair out for her, but the glare he shot John behind her back told him that he'd be paying for that outburst later. He couldn't care less.

When he finally sat himself down and looked into Anna's eyes he saw the large tears rolling down her face. He had never longed so deeply the way he longed to reach out to her and wipe away her tears...to give her some kind of comfort.

"I'm sorry, my darling." He kept his voice low and used the tone he reserved only for her. "Are you alright?"

Anna nodded and wiped her tears away before settling her hands in her lap. "I'm fine, but more importantly are you? I have been so worried. They wouldn't let me write to you or anything and I have been desperate to hear from you."

"And I, you. I had to go through a sort of probationary period, I'm sure Mr. Murray told you...but that's done now and we can write to our hearts content." John tried to give her a reassuring smile, but they both knew it wasn't enough. He found himself searching her face for any type of clue to whether she could be carrying their child, but he was not exactly a man with such experience. Should he just come out and ask her? Would she tell him if she was or wasn't? The silence stretched out between them and he knew their time was short.

"Tell me, darling, what news is there of Downton?" he asked, trying to ease her nerves...and his own.

Anna shook her head, "Not much to report, everyone is just worried for you." She looked up into his eyes then. "They all know now," she whispered. "I had to tell them after you were...taken."

"I figured as much," he sighed. He hated that she'd had to go through that alone. "Did they...take the news well?"

"Actually, yes. They are concerned of course, but I don't think it came as much of a surprise to anyone." Finally a hint of a smile graced her perfect features and John felt his heart lift a little in his chest.

"And you, my love...how are you?" He hoped she heard the double meaning in his words.

Anna's eyes bored into him and she shrugged. "I keep busy," she paused and he could tell she was trying to keep herself from crying….his amazing, strong, beautiful Anna.

"Anna, you don't have to pretend that you're alright, because I can tell you aren't. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this...it's all my…"

Her eyes flared, and halted him mid sentence, "Don't you finish that statement, John Bates. This is not your fault. You are innocent, that will be proven in court, and you will come home to me so we can begin our lives together. And that's that." The fire he'd always adored in her shone from her like a ray of sunshine and brightened his world. He couldn't help but smile.

"I love you." he whispered.

She gave him a teary smile back, "I love you, too."

More comfortable silence lingered as they simply gazed into each others eyes. Time was running out and he had to know. He took a deep breath, gathering his courage, and spoke.

"Anna….I know this isn't an entirely appropriate time to ask...maybe I should have saved it for a letter, but I….well I wanted to know in person...I just…."

His darling Anna, who had always been able to read him like a book, stopped his rambling with the softness of her loving eyes. She simply shook her head no, and John was shocked with the intensity of the pain he felt at knowing that there was no baby.

His eyes must have shown his grief, for she lowered her head and whispered, "I'm sorry."

"No, love. You have no reason to be sorry. Perhaps…..perhaps it's for the best." He tried to ease her mind, although now he wasn't sure if it was for the best or not.

John could see a glint of confusion and hurt cross Anna's features but before either of them could say another word the guard announced that the visit was over. He flinched as he was jerked from his seat with force, and Anna reached for him.

"John!" she cried out for him as she was escorted away, carrying his shattered heart with her.

"I love you, Anna! Stay strong!" he called after her.

He heard her faint "I love you, too" in the distance as the cell doors closed with finality between them.

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><p>It was several tortuous days later, when Anna's first letter finally came. He'd been driving himself mad ever since their last words to each other. She'd looked so confused by what he'd said in response to learning she wasn't carrying their baby...but he'd only meant to comfort her.<p>

He tore into her letter, desperate to read her thoughts. But he did take a moment to treasure seeing his name written in her delicate hand across the envelope. It was return addressed to Mrs. Anna Bates which sent his heart soaring. He ran his thumb across the words, and then removed the pages. He noticed the letter was dated for the day of their visit, and then he began to read.

_My darling husband,_

_Forgive me if I refer to you as that for sometime, I've longed for it for so long and I intend to relish in the joys of being your wife and calling you my husband. _

_I have been worried about you ever since we parted earlier today. I hope they didn't hurt you, and that you are alright. I hate the thought of you being in that cold prison, when you've done absolutely nothing to deserve it. You should be here, in your home, in my arms. We should be sharing kisses, and touches, and plans for our future. But life has dealt us this hand, and we must accept it and be happy with what we can share. These letters for instance, I can't tell you how good it feels to write these words knowing that you will read them. It may seem silly, but it makes the burden all the lighter._

_I won't lie to you, your words about there being no baby have been with me all day. I want you to know that, while I believe it was how God intended and we will have a baby when the time is right, it would have brought me great joy to find out I was with child. To have a piece of you with me forever, to be able to greet you upon your release with our newborn. I won't mention the alternative, but just know that I would gladly raise our baby no matter what the circumstances because he or she would be ours. Nothing would make me happier._

_We will have our family one day, John. Don't lose hope. We may not have succeeded the first time, but that just means you have no choice but to come home to me so we may work harder at making that dream a reality._

_I have never doubted you and please believe that I never will. I love you more than life itself. You are and always will be my knight in shining armour. My prince. My fairytale come to life….all my dreams come true. _

_I can see you laughing at me, Mr. Bates, don't pretend like you aren't. I mean every word._

_Stay strong, my darling. I will visit you again as soon as I can and write you every day in the meantime. _

_All my love forever, your adoring wife Anna._

John folded the letter and held it close to his chest. How was it she could read him so perfectly, even from miles away? Anna was right in everything she'd said in her letter. It brought him joy to know that she would have been proud to have his child, even though deep down he'd already known that to be the case.

What they needed to do now was focus on proving his innocence and preparing for the trial that was to come. John had a feeling it wouldn't be easy, and that their troubles were far from over. However, knowing that his beautiful Anna would be waiting for him when this was all over, made the mountain seem less difficult to climb. He allowed her hope to fill his soul, and prayed it would sustain him until he could hold her in his arms once again.

John moved to the tiny desk in his cell, and took out a piece of paper and pen. He needed to explain himself...explain why he'd said what he had about the baby, and why after reading her letter he felt differently about matters. If he couldn't be with her to tell her in person then he would do everything he could to portray his feelings in his letter.

_My darling Mrs. Bates,_

_You see, as much as you love to call me your husband, that is how much I adore calling you Mrs. Bates. So we will have to forgive each other of such indulgences, my love. We are newlyweds after all._

_I cannot express to you the joy that your letter brought to me. Seeing your words, I could clearly picture you bent over your small desk in your room writing them down with care. Your hair tied into a loose braid, your nightgown flowing around you….what I wouldn't give to be with you in such moments. The one night we shared merely served as a glimpse into the life we could share together. I am forever thankful that we had it, for it has given me something to hold onto on these lonely nights without you._

_Anna, I feel I must explain to you why I said what I did about it being for the best that you weren't with child. I need to make it perfectly clear to you that it is not for lack of wanting a child on my part. I want nothing more than to see you carrying our baby one day. Make no mistake of that. It's all I've ever wanted since I first met you, and I have no doubts that you will make a perfect mother. Nothing would bring me greater happiness than to have a little girl or little boy who, with any luck, would be the image of you. _

_You must understand that the moment it occurred to me that you could be pregnant a hundred different thoughts ran through my mind. What if I am convicted of this crime? What would you do...you would be scorned from society and forced to flee with our child. And what of work? Yes, you would have some money but not enough that you could stay at home as you would if I were with you. I know it's selfish to say, but I also couldn't stand the thought of missing any of it. Not being able to see you change as our baby grew, not being there when he or she joined our world, not being there to watch them grow up. _

_Please forgive me, my darling, but I feel I must be honest with you. I did also think about the blessings that child would bring to you in my absence. You wouldn't be alone, and that would bring me great comfort. I must confess Anna, I was disappointed when you told me you weren't with child. Much to my surprise since I had convinced myself, as I told you, that it was for the best that you weren't left with that burden to bear on your own. I realize now the haste of my words and I wish I could take them back, for I know now that no child of ours could ever be a burden or anything less than a blessing. I ask your forgiveness for the direction my thoughts took in my lonely hours. And rest assured that I would and will, welcome a child gladly when the time comes. For it will come, my love, you have given me hope of that._

_I am not giving up. We will fight this, and the truth will persevere. If there is one thing I have learned from you it's never to give up hope. You have shown such unwavering faith in me all through the years and I do believe it's high time I accepted that. _

_I love you more than anything. You are the very air that I breath, and my constant light in this darkness. Never doubt that. I eagerly await your next letter and visit._

_Your loving husband, John._

John folded the letter with care, and sealed it with a kiss before addressing it with her formal name with pride. He placed his hands on his hips and looked at the simple envelope that laid before him. Their situation may seem impossible and bleak to someone on the outside looking in, but if Anna had taught John anything it was that love could conquer anything. Their love would get them through...no matter what came.


End file.
